Protective orders: how to make the abuse stop legally

If the person who hurts you may see this page, leave it now. The Office on Women's Health puts the warning on every page it writes about abuse: "Anyone with access to your phone or computer can check which websites you visit. It's not possible to clear your Internet history completely from your computer or phone. It may be safer to use a public computer, such as at a library, or a friend's phone."

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or 1-800-787-3224 on TTY. The Administration for Children and Families describes it as operating 24 hours a day and "available in 170 languages". You do not have to give your name, and you do not have to be ready to leave to call.

What a protective order actually is#

A protective order, which most people call a restraining order, is a court order aimed at the person hurting you. The Office on Women's Health describes them as "meant to keep you safe from a person who is harassing or hurting you", and says that "the police can arrest a person who violates a restraining order and charge them with a crime."

It is worth knowing how much a judge can put in one, because most people picture only the stay-away part. An order can force the other person to:

• Stay away from you entirely, which includes "no contact with you by phone, by email, through social media, or otherwise, even through another person"
• Leave the home and keep paying for it. The order can require them to "continue making mortgage payments on a home you own together or rental payments if the person's name is on the lease, and allow you to stay in the home while the other person lives somewhere else"
• Pay temporary child support. How the amount is worked out, and how to open a case, is in child support
• Turn over any guns to the police
• Stay away from your children and your children's school, or see them only with supervision
• Attend counseling or take drug tests

And beyond the list, the Office on Women's Health says judges "have flexibility and will work with you to ensure that the order, if granted, meets your needs." If something specific would make you safer, ask for it.

You do not need a lawyer and you do not pay#

This is the sentence most people need to hear: "You do not need a lawyer to get a restraining order. Federal law says that you can get a restraining order for free."

You can pick up an application "at courthouses, women's shelters, lawyers' offices, and some police stations." You file in family court, in the county where you live, where the person who hurt you lives, or where the abuse happened. You fill in forms describing when, where and how it happened.

If you want a lawyer anyway, free help exists. USA.gov points to the Legal Services Corporation for "legal aid in your community for people with low incomes" and to LawHelp.org. A shelter can often find you one at no charge.

The four kinds, and how long each lasts#

Laws differ in every state, but the Office on Women's Health describes four shapes an order takes:

• Emergency order. Police may issue one "if you are in immediate danger or cannot get to the courthouse right away". It usually expires after a few days.
• Temporary order. A judge issues one to cover the gap before your case is heard. These "usually last for about 14 days".
• Domestic violence restraining order. Issued after a court hearing, and it "lasts longer than emergency or temporary restraining orders, possibly for several years."
• No-contact order. Different in kind: a judge issues this when the abuser has been charged with a crime. It is part of the punishment, not something you apply for.

If the order is broken#

Call the police straight away, including for a phone call or a message. The Office on Women's Health is blunt about it: "If you have a restraining order and the person who hurt you does not follow it (tries to contact you or your children), call the police right away. The police can arrest the person for not following the order."

Keep the order with you. Keep the messages, the voicemails and the photographs. A violation is easier to act on when there is a record of it.

If you move to another state#

Your order travels with you. Under 18 U.S.C. 2265, protective orders issued by one state "shall be accorded full faith and credit by the courts of another State or tribe", and the Justice Department states that the law "applies to permanent, temporary and ex parte protective orders". It is also a federal crime to cross state lines intending to violate one.

Carry a certified copy. Ask the court in your new state, or that state's coalition, how they want it registered locally so that the police there can see it quickly.

Before you move, though, talk to someone first if you have children. The Office on Women's Health warns: "Talk to a legal professional before leaving the state to get away from someone who hurt you. State laws vary and can affect whether you or your children are required to return to your original state."

What happens when you call the police#

Knowing the shape of it in advance makes it less frightening.

The police will make everyone safe first, "which might mean arresting someone who has a weapon or is physically hurting or threatening you." Then they ask what happened, and "if the alleged abuser is present, police will probably take you to separate areas to talk individually."

Two things people get wrong about what comes next.

A police report is not the same as pressing charges. The report still matters on its own: it "documents the violence, even if the abuser denies the violence, and creates an official record that can be used as evidence in court."

Once charges are filed, they are not yours to drop. A prosecutor decides whether to charge, and at that point, in the Office on Women's Health's words, "you can no longer drop the charges, because it is the state government, not you, that has filed the charges." People are often shocked by this, and it is better to know it before you call than after.

If the officers do not speak Vietnamese, "ask the police to provide a translator or find someone who can translate for you."

If you are not a citizen#

Take this part to a lawyer. What follows is what US government pages state, and it is not the whole picture.

A protective order does not depend on your status. "You can get a restraining order (or court order of protection) even if you are not a citizen or legal permanent resident of the United States."

You can report a crime whatever your status. "Violence is against the law. If you have been abused, you do not have to respond to questions about your immigration status." And elsewhere on the same page: violence against women "is also against the law, even when the abuser or victim is not a U.S. citizen."

Immigration protections for survivors exist. The Office on Women's Health names two: self-petitioning, where you "apply for a green card yourself without needing your partner to file for immigration benefits for you", open to a victim who is "the child, parent, or current or former spouse of a U.S. citizen or a permanent resident"; and the U visa, which "gives protection to victims of domestic violence or sexual assault who are not U.S. citizens" and "can be a path to a green card."

That page was last updated in February 2021, and the detailed eligibility rules live with US Citizenship and Immigration Services, which we cannot reach to check. So treat the two paragraphs above as a reason to see an immigration lawyer, not as advice you can act on alone. Your local shelter can find you one, often at no charge.

One thing we will not tell you, because we cannot source it. Whether going to the police or into a courtroom carries any immigration enforcement risk for you personally is a question we could not answer from any government page we can reach. We are not going to reassure you about it and we are not going to frighten you about it. Ask an immigration lawyer or the hotline, who can talk it through against your actual situation, and do it before you file if you can.

Keeping your address out of it#

If your abuser can find your address through public records, some states let you use a substitute one. Washington's program is a worked example: it gives survivors "a substitute address to receive first class mail" that state, county and city agencies accept "instead of requiring a residential address for creating records", with mail forwarding, and enrollment lasting four years. It exists because "public records are documents such as driver's licenses, voter registries and marriage records", and an abuser can read them.

Not every state has one. Ask your state coalition, or the hotline.

Making a plan before anything happens#

The Office on Women's Health puts it this way: "Even if you don't leave right away, creating a safety plan can help you know what to do if your partner abuses you again." The parts that matter most:

• Agree a code word with a friend, a family member or a neighbor, so you can say you are in danger without the other person understanding, and agree in advance where they would pick you up
• Keep a phone they do not know about. A prepaid one works, and some shelters give them out. Calls from a shared phone can be traced
• Memorize a few numbers instead of relying on a contact list
• Pack a bag in advance: "Birth certificates, Social Security cards, and passports or immigration papers for you and your children", health insurance cards, money, and a spare set of car keys hidden somewhere
• Keep any evidence of abuse, and keep copies of documents on a thumb drive
• Do your planning on a computer that is not yours, at a library or a friend's house

Where help comes from#

The Office on Violence Against Women says directly that it "does not provide direct services and cannot assist with individual matters", and routes people two ways: a national hotline, or your state coalition. The coalition is the useful one for finding a shelter or an advocate near you, and the Justice Department publishes the full directory. In Washington State it is the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 107 Spring St, Seattle, on 206-389-2515.

Shelters are real and federally funded: the Family Violence Prevention and Services Act is "the primary federal funding stream dedicated to the support of emergency shelters and related assistance for victims of domestic violence and their children."

And if English is hard, a shelter or clinic funded by Health and Human Services has to provide language help free. HHS says that programs it funds must provide language access services "free of charge" under Title VI and Section 1557, and it publishes a know-your-rights sheet in Vietnamese.

Courts are a different system with different rules, and we could not source a current federal statement on your right to a court interpreter. Ask your local court directly for its language access office before your hearing date.

Other numbers#

The Justice Department lists these alongside the domestic violence hotline:

• National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673
• StrongHearts Native Helpline 1-844-762-8483
• Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474
• Victim Connect Resource Center 1-855-484-2846

What counts as abuse#

If part of you is still asking whether what is happening to you counts, this is the Justice Department's definition: "a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner", which can be "physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological."

Money and phones are on that list. Controlling what you earn, or what you can see and who you can message, is in the definition.